I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
