I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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