You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
we should paint friendship bongs
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