I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
