Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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