Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
