Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
