like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
