Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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