I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
