I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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