Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
