So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
