i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
