Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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