I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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