apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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