my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
