did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
