there's paper in my vomit.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
