Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
