I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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