Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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