I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
