i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
