one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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