Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
