tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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