Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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