My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
