i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
