someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
