I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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