I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
