Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
