I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
