I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
