So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
