i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
