White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
