Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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