U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...