mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..