I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
