It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop