Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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