My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
