she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
