I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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