I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
