yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
