If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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