i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
