Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
