Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
